a painful & shameful nite.. 170909

it juz happened very dramatically the other nite.. its thurs nite, after the training, we've been to a place tht is really crowded.. well.. as his car is so 'outstanding' it was pretty sure it will catch a lot of attention very easily...

just like wat i thought.. n.. we parked the car, went down.. beautifully... then juz like wat we can always seen in movie.. i felt down.. all the eyes are on me.. of coz.. it was very painful.. n very shameful too.. he, without thinking much, cover up for me.. bring me somewhere to sit down.. n being very nervous.. i was bleeding.. he was running here & thr to clean up my wound for me...

it was pretty painful but of coz when i see how nervous he was.. i felt sweet to deep inside my heart.. everytime.. when i m in deep pain, he will be thr,.. juz be thr.. to make me feel better.. so much better....

2 days be4 the day..

have u ever have a kind of feeling where.. thr is a day.. whr u expect the most in a year.. but then this is also the day u scare the most..? expected it to come and yet scared to be hurt... guess wats the day? ok... my bday...

have u ever have this kind of feeling whr.. u were so excited to go somewhere with ur frens.. n then everything spoilt by juz a phone call?? whr u have been mumbling, nagging, scolding... by ur boss for about half & hour.. saying nothing but juz 'yes..yes... ok... ok...'

have u ever have this feeling where u feel like crying u dun feel like talking, but yet, u juz have the chance to meet all the people where u have to entertain, then u have to smile, laugh and talk with them??

elvis, a fren of mine said since the thing is already bad, y wanna make it worse??
he also said.. wat can be worse than if im dead?
perhaps he is right..

160809_in the office

m currently in the office alone.. all other colleagues were left.. i m suppose to complete my budget meeting's report, but im here sitting down here.. blurring.. and updating my blog..

im feeling kind of confuse.. something happened and it seems i should have take the responsibility about this things.. i guess.. thr is juz no one to be blamed of.. i feel scared.. at this moment im blur because again, i think human are juz very scary.. u couldnt und wat they r thinking and wats the intention behind for doing something tht does 'look great' to u. then one day, u found, thts juz a piece of crab, whr thr is a trick behind, and BINGO!! GOT YA!!

i have been creating this whole piece of 'SHOOT' here.. and now.. should i apologizE? and does tht enough? or should i solve the things?? perhaps the moral value of the story is... next time, jz do wat u r suppose to... dun be busy body... sigh.. m still figuring it... give me some times...

these year gonna be a special bday for me, bcz.. the day be4 my bday, im already traveling and on my bday, im in my zone budget meeting, so this yr's celebration = no celebration.. COOL!!! he said.. most of the times, human tends to complain, but no matter how u complain, u still gotta face it, carry on with ur life.. OK!! FACE IT THEN!!! he said....

nyway, thx for a gang of fren of mine, who have been out to celebrate for me earlier on.. karen, shirley, esther, jazz & the late comer (bf), dai lou, tong li, shawn.. well, i think its juz another chance of gathering.. i guess the next shall be on oct then...

so long...~

a doing nth, thinking nth day_130709

i was feeling something not right since the moment i woke up this morning.. perhaps it was a symptom to inform me.. hey, something might not be running too well for the day, so be prepared ya..of coz.. i was juz telling myself, i had too much of durian, which makes me blur for the day...anyhow.. my mood doesnt goes too good, but im juz trying to carry on my task for the day..

i've been travelling around the town today, to do wat im suppose to do... no excitement... no emotional... its a flat tone day basically.. but its really weird tht.. i juz couldnt cheer myself up.. to a level tht.. i dun feel like talking, walking, smiling.. and of coz working..

like a fren of mine said.. 'u muz be feeling depress because of ur work again'.. i was wanted to tell him, ya.. 50% out of it maybe.. then i think..well, i guess so 100% of it... then my fren asked me, 'i thought u r already immune about it'.. well, i wanted to say, i think so.. but then i suddenly feel, perhaps im really tired or im already exhausted..

i've finally received my exam paper result, well, the very 1st time, i failed in exam.. i failed.. when i saw my result, i was sitting outside the house, looking at nth, blur.. dunno wat was my feeling, perhaps.. it was painful for me.. someone who has never fail in any exam.. or perhaps.. this is the consequences of wat i have done..aiks... sigh... *sob*

stephanie poon siew fong... God bless u...

perhaps in this moment, i really need someone to show me the direction.. perhaps in this moment, i really need God to be there and bless me...

feeling ugly..._040509

guess i juz have to admit, im kind of egoistic since... so long ago.. perhaps tis is born to be.. or the environment i was with made me the way i am...

nowadays people keep saying, those kids now are very competitive among themselves, they started to go to school as young as they could, then tuition everyday cz the family or parents afraid that their kids will be having a poorer result as compare to other kids.. as such, each and every parents keep sending their kids to all the express result improving class, tuition class, music class.. watever class u can mention..

the way i came thru my childhood, was.. i scared or im the one who afraid tht i will have a poorer result than any other of my classmates.. i started to go for tuition since i was standard 2.. and tht was the time where i had the feeling of being top 10 in my class.. it was so great, and it was so amaze to be 'labelled' an intelligent student in the class... i remembered.. i was no.8 tht time.. ever since tht.. i never want to drop out of the top 10... i have attended a lot of tuition classes.. till today i still remember the tuition teacher is real fierce...

well, then it continues..till secondary sch, till college time.. non-stop competiting.. tis made me a feeling of.. i always wanna be the winner...

i always thought i am right.. i always thought i can solve my problem on my own.. i always thought.. i can solve everything without asking for anyone's help.. this has been practiced.. since long long time ago.. i hate to ask for help.. i hate to please people.. or perhaps the main reasons was .. if i ask for help, i will be 'label' as a loser? this is wat i thought all these while.. if i ask for help.. people will juz look down on me... if i ask for help, i'll feel ashame... on myself..

something in my mind.. which i never want to tell... n then.. u knew it last nite.. i felt so bad.. the feeling was hurt, but i know u deserve the right.. to know about these.. i know it was juz my stupidity to hide it for so long.. i know it was juz my mistake not telling ya.. but yet.. im feeling so ugly..after all these.. im feeling sorry.. so sorry...

300409_tax declaration dateline

these days i have been running here and there to Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri (LHDN) for something not related to tax. but to my surprise that LHDN happen to be so happening since last week. come to my knowladge that its tax declaration day.. and today is the last day for it..

i've been 'warn' by someone that i should have declare mine.. i actually dunno that i have to do so, cz according to some of my fren, i dun have to pay for income tax, cz im a low income earner ( i guess so).. therefore, tax declaration=nth to do with me all these while.. so.. these time, since i have a lil 5% increment ( as per company's MAX increment every year), i go and declare it.

i juz realise, our government has been improved a lot.. i mean really a lot.. i dun have to go and congest in the LHDN wait for few hours juz to do it, i did it comfortably in my office, under air-cond, with some nice song, at the same time on my msn...bla bla bla... log in to the e-hasil website, n i DONE it...

again, to my surprise.. the web is quite efficient. very convenient, guess a big *thumbs up* to the gov sector for the HUGE improvement. and AGAIN, to my surprise, i KENA tax.. i have to pay for income tax this yr.. i feel so PROUD.. cz.. im not 'low income earner' anymore.. cz.. i got charged for my income tax... ( stupid for feeling proud of these, coz i gotta pay for it..lol).. nyway, i never expect the e-hasil thingy can be so advance till i can made the tax payment thru internet as well... *thumbs up* again~~!!!

so.. thts all abbout tax declaration...*thumbs up* to myself also...lol~

stressful monday_130409

its monday.. was telling babe.. these days i dun have the problem of monday blue.. cz.. my week started with sunday.. cz i have to work on sunday.. and sunday is consider quite a relaxing day cz HQ nt working on sunday, and its more relax here..

so... today, monday, which will normally be the busiest day of the week.. and also the most most stressful day of the week.. loads and loads of things to be settle today.. PROUDLY present.. i have already settle my pending documentation work (which i hate the most).. p/s: should i feel proud? cz i have been pending it for long..:P

sometimes i think im kinda capable.. cz .. im now.. taking charge of the whole branch.. bearing a total of few million budget for the yr.. ever since the day i join, the whole branch is consider brand new.. all of the staffs.. including me myself is new.. starting from scratch basically.. how to communicate with my staffs, get to know all the agents, know the system, know the products... lots more from what u can think.. there was no one there to guide me.. have to depends on myself.. for EVERY SINGLE LITTLE PETTY PETTY THING... even i've been here for a year, but i am still learning..

but sometimes i think im kinda fed up.. lot of the time.. i feel like giving up.. there a lot of stressful stuff i have to handle.. it could be different from day to day and getting more and more stressful from day to day.. on top of it, im in a sensitive position that people really getting very sensitive for who i am.. its actually very heartache.. and i do really feel so sad, when i am not tht trustworthy for some of my agents here.. whenever i feel like giving up.. i will think of... all my LIABILITIES... then i will slap myself.. and say..WAKE UP.. aiks...sigh...

sometimes i do want to share wat i m thinking with others.. but then..its very difficult for me to do so.. becz... too long to explain and too complicated to explain...wat im doing, the nature of the field im involving in.. and.. more...

finally i call it a day.. more to go for the next day... nyway, thats wat wake me up early in the morning.. when u thought of those stressful thing, u wont feel like sleeping nymore...TATA~