the past, present and future...

a painful & shameful nite.. 170909

2009-09-19T01:39:00.001-07:00

it juz happened very dramatically the other nite.. its thurs nite, after the training, we've been to a place tht is really crowded.. well.. as his car is so 'outstanding' it was pretty sure it will catch a lot of attention very easily...

just like wat i thought.. n.. we parked the car, went down.. beautifully... then juz like wat we can always seen in movie.. i felt down.. all the eyes are on me.. of coz.. it was very painful.. n very shameful too.. he, without thinking much, cover up for me.. bring me somewhere to sit down.. n being very nervous.. i was bleeding.. he was running here & thr to clean up my wound for me...

it was pretty painful but of coz when i see how nervous he was.. i felt sweet to deep inside my heart.. everytime.. when i m in deep pain, he will be thr,.. juz be thr.. to make me feel better.. so much better....

2 days be4 the day..

2009-08-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

have u ever have a kind of feeling where.. thr is a day.. whr u expect the most in a year.. but then this is also the day u scare the most..? expected it to come and yet scared to be hurt... guess wats the day? ok... my bday...

have u ever have this kind of feeling whr.. u were so excited to go somewhere with ur frens.. n then everything spoilt by juz a phone call?? whr u have been mumbling, nagging, scolding... by ur boss for about half & hour.. saying nothing but juz 'yes..yes... ok... ok...'

have u ever have this feeling where u feel like crying u dun feel like talking, but yet, u juz have the chance to meet all the people where u have to entertain, then u have to smile, laugh and talk with them??

elvis, a fren of mine said since the thing is already bad, y wanna make it worse??
he also said.. wat can be worse than if im dead?
perhaps he is right..

160809_in the office

2009-08-16T04:35:00.001-07:00

m currently in the office alone.. all other colleagues were left.. i m suppose to complete my budget meeting's report, but im here sitting down here.. blurring.. and updating my blog..

im feeling kind of confuse.. something happened and it seems i should have take the responsibility about this things.. i guess.. thr is juz no one to be blamed of.. i feel scared.. at this moment im blur because again, i think human are juz very scary.. u couldnt und wat they r thinking and wats the intention behind for doing something tht does 'look great' to u. then one day, u found, thts juz a piece of crab, whr thr is a trick behind, and BINGO!! GOT YA!!

i have been creating this whole piece of 'SHOOT' here.. and now.. should i apologizE? and does tht enough? or should i solve the things?? perhaps the moral value of the story is... next time, jz do wat u r suppose to... dun be busy body... sigh.. m still figuring it... give me some times...

these year gonna be a special bday for me, bcz.. the day be4 my bday, im already traveling and on my bday, im in my zone budget meeting, so this yr's celebration = no celebration.. COOL!!! he said.. most of the times, human tends to complain, but no matter how u complain, u still gotta face it, carry on with ur life.. OK!! FACE IT THEN!!! he said....

nyway, thx for a gang of fren of mine, who have been out to celebrate for me earlier on.. karen, shirley, esther, jazz & the late comer (bf), dai lou, tong li, shawn.. well, i think its juz another chance of gathering.. i guess the next shall be on oct then...

so long...~

a doing nth, thinking nth day_130709

2009-07-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

i was feeling something not right since the moment i woke up this morning.. perhaps it was a symptom to inform me.. hey, something might not be running too well for the day, so be prepared ya..of coz.. i was juz telling myself, i had too much of durian, which makes me blur for the day...anyhow.. my mood doesnt goes too good, but im juz trying to carry on my task for the day..

i've been travelling around the town today, to do wat im suppose to do... no excitement... no emotional... its a flat tone day basically.. but its really weird tht.. i juz couldnt cheer myself up.. to a level tht.. i dun feel like talking, walking, smiling.. and of coz working..

like a fren of mine said.. 'u muz be feeling depress because of ur work again'.. i was wanted to tell him, ya.. 50% out of it maybe.. then i think..well, i guess so 100% of it... then my fren asked me, 'i thought u r already immune about it'.. well, i wanted to say, i think so.. but then i suddenly feel, perhaps im really tired or im already exhausted..

i've finally received my exam paper result, well, the very 1st time, i failed in exam.. i failed.. when i saw my result, i was sitting outside the house, looking at nth, blur.. dunno wat was my feeling, perhaps.. it was painful for me.. someone who has never fail in any exam.. or perhaps.. this is the consequences of wat i have done..aiks... sigh... *sob*

stephanie poon siew fong... God bless u...

perhaps in this moment, i really need someone to show me the direction.. perhaps in this moment, i really need God to be there and bless me...

feeling ugly..._040509

2009-05-02T19:31:00.000-07:00

guess i juz have to admit, im kind of egoistic since... so long ago.. perhaps tis is born to be.. or the environment i was with made me the way i am...

nowadays people keep saying, those kids now are very competitive among themselves, they started to go to school as young as they could, then tuition everyday cz the family or parents afraid that their kids will be having a poorer result as compare to other kids.. as such, each and every parents keep sending their kids to all the express result improving class, tuition class, music class.. watever class u can mention..

the way i came thru my childhood, was.. i scared or im the one who afraid tht i will have a poorer result than any other of my classmates.. i started to go for tuition since i was standard 2.. and tht was the time where i had the feeling of being top 10 in my class.. it was so great, and it was so amaze to be 'labelled' an intelligent student in the class... i remembered.. i was no.8 tht time.. ever since tht.. i never want to drop out of the top 10... i have attended a lot of tuition classes.. till today i still remember the tuition teacher is real fierce...

well, then it continues..till secondary sch, till college time.. non-stop competiting.. tis made me a feeling of.. i always wanna be the winner...

i always thought i am right.. i always thought i can solve my problem on my own.. i always thought.. i can solve everything without asking for anyone's help.. this has been practiced.. since long long time ago.. i hate to ask for help.. i hate to please people.. or perhaps the main reasons was .. if i ask for help, i will be 'label' as a loser? this is wat i thought all these while.. if i ask for help.. people will juz look down on me... if i ask for help, i'll feel ashame... on myself..

something in my mind.. which i never want to tell... n then.. u knew it last nite.. i felt so bad.. the feeling was hurt, but i know u deserve the right.. to know about these.. i know it was juz my stupidity to hide it for so long.. i know it was juz my mistake not telling ya.. but yet.. im feeling so ugly..after all these.. im feeling sorry.. so sorry...

300409_tax declaration dateline

2009-04-29T23:56:00.000-07:00

these days i have been running here and there to Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri (LHDN) for something not related to tax. but to my surprise that LHDN happen to be so happening since last week. come to my knowladge that its tax declaration day.. and today is the last day for it..

i've been 'warn' by someone that i should have declare mine.. i actually dunno that i have to do so, cz according to some of my fren, i dun have to pay for income tax, cz im a low income earner ( i guess so).. therefore, tax declaration=nth to do with me all these while.. so.. these time, since i have a lil 5% increment ( as per company's MAX increment every year), i go and declare it.

i juz realise, our government has been improved a lot.. i mean really a lot.. i dun have to go and congest in the LHDN wait for few hours juz to do it, i did it comfortably in my office, under air-cond, with some nice song, at the same time on my msn...bla bla bla... log in to the e-hasil website, n i DONE it...

again, to my surprise.. the web is quite efficient. very convenient, guess a big *thumbs up* to the gov sector for the HUGE improvement. and AGAIN, to my surprise, i KENA tax.. i have to pay for income tax this yr.. i feel so PROUD.. cz.. im not 'low income earner' anymore.. cz.. i got charged for my income tax... ( stupid for feeling proud of these, coz i gotta pay for it..lol).. nyway, i never expect the e-hasil thingy can be so advance till i can made the tax payment thru internet as well... *thumbs up* again~~!!!

so.. thts all abbout tax declaration...*thumbs up* to myself also...lol~

stressful monday_130409

2009-04-13T02:53:00.001-07:00

its monday.. was telling babe.. these days i dun have the problem of monday blue.. cz.. my week started with sunday.. cz i have to work on sunday.. and sunday is consider quite a relaxing day cz HQ nt working on sunday, and its more relax here..

so... today, monday, which will normally be the busiest day of the week.. and also the most most stressful day of the week.. loads and loads of things to be settle today.. PROUDLY present.. i have already settle my pending documentation work (which i hate the most).. p/s: should i feel proud? cz i have been pending it for long..:P

sometimes i think im kinda capable.. cz .. im now.. taking charge of the whole branch.. bearing a total of few million budget for the yr.. ever since the day i join, the whole branch is consider brand new.. all of the staffs.. including me myself is new.. starting from scratch basically.. how to communicate with my staffs, get to know all the agents, know the system, know the products... lots more from what u can think.. there was no one there to guide me.. have to depends on myself.. for EVERY SINGLE LITTLE PETTY PETTY THING... even i've been here for a year, but i am still learning..

but sometimes i think im kinda fed up.. lot of the time.. i feel like giving up.. there a lot of stressful stuff i have to handle.. it could be different from day to day and getting more and more stressful from day to day.. on top of it, im in a sensitive position that people really getting very sensitive for who i am.. its actually very heartache.. and i do really feel so sad, when i am not tht trustworthy for some of my agents here.. whenever i feel like giving up.. i will think of... all my LIABILITIES... then i will slap myself.. and say..WAKE UP.. aiks...sigh...

sometimes i do want to share wat i m thinking with others.. but then..its very difficult for me to do so.. becz... too long to explain and too complicated to explain...wat im doing, the nature of the field im involving in.. and.. more...

finally i call it a day.. more to go for the next day... nyway, thats wat wake me up early in the morning.. when u thought of those stressful thing, u wont feel like sleeping nymore...TATA~

my lil' taiwan trip_120409

2009-04-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

last week, which is the week of April Fool, i've been to Taiwan for a vacation. the very 1st time to Taiwan or travel so far away from my homeland.. i was really exciting bout it, 'Welcome to Taiwan' was the only sentence from my mouth whole day long...

snaps lots and lors of pic over thr... well, basically taiwan,.. an okok place la... but.. something remarkable, people there are really frenly.. they wont scold u for not buying their things after bargaining.. they wont scold u for not buying after trying couple of shirts over there.. *thumbs up* for their good service.. the street there are basically very clean, something like our neighbour country s'pore.. where, if we simply throw rubbish, u will be fine for certain amount of money.. the tour guide was telling us that if u manage to snap a photo of someone who throw rubbish from the car, u will be rewarded certain amount of money.. well.. good side income though.. another *thumbs up*

well, we have been brought to a shop tht sell PI SIU ( in mandarin).. where the SIFU inside quite well known according to the tour guide.. he can sort of like intro u their best product according to ur name or watever thing in ur life u lack of... so i was so exciting to know, then i feel so bad to know afterall.. lolx... o well, the SIFU been telling me something in my life.. which i think is quite true.. then he recommended something tht best suit me.. it cost few hundred bulks though... *sob sob* i dunno since when i have become so superstitious.. but.. ok.. i juz want a better life.. anyway, my PI SIU looks cool anyway.. *thumbs up* for my PI SIU.. and thx to my lou gong zai (cz he is paying for it..lolx)

o well, now im back to my homeland.. reported on duty on Tuesday.. boring boring boring.. tons and tons of things waiting for me to settle. arrgggh~~~~~

time pass thru, things changed...190309

2009-03-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

attended wedding dinner of a best fren of mine.. it made me thought of wat has happened...

we used to hang around last time.. (last time=secondary school time). i still remembered well.. when school time, we used to sit in a gang of 6.. we used to gossip together, we go almost everywhere together.. we chat a lot, laugh a lot, share a lot with each other.. study time was the coolest moment i guess (though we were not thinking in tht way while we were still studying), we got nth to worry bout.. money, work.. wat we worried tht time was some puppy love thingy, bout exam.. thts it!!

oh yeah.. way out of topic.. bout my jie mui who was married.. she was one of the tough lady last time (maybe now still).. where we used to predict she will be the last to get married among the 6 of us.. (p/s: i'm 2nd last)... well, things are juz so unpredictable, where now, she is the 1st to get married.. of coz i feel so proud and happy on behalf.. she found her Mr.Right.. the moment i saw her on the stage, with her pretty gown and face.. WOW!! i cant believe its my fren..

link back to my topic.. time pass thru very fast, and things changed.. it wasnt happen the way we used to 'predict'.. in the dinner itself, of coz i met up with the rest of the gang (some did not attend), we manage to catch up with each other, talk and laugh again.. though the feeling was not the same, but i still appreciate the moment, where we met up again, after so long...

well, to my best jie mui.. wish ya a happy family with ur Mr.Right~

cheers

last day of CNY_090209

2009-02-09T01:44:00.000-08:00

CNY is around the corner...
HOORAY!!! this was wat i was so exciting about few weeks back... i was 'urgently' preparing for my leave.. oh yeah.. i had a long leave.. people clear their leave end of the yr normally.. well.. i think im juz not an ordinary person.. cz.. i started to clear my leave now...
CNY is finishing...
OH DAMN!!! (oops.. sorry for being so rude) this is the last day of CNY.. happy day will juz pass thru seriously.. superb.. darn fast... till i din realise.. my 2 weeks holiday FINISHED!!!! well.. i started to report on duty again today.. well.. i will say.. tis is not a very bad day... :D

well.. i like CNY so much actually.. where.. first reason was because i can wear new clothes.. 2nd reason becz i can get ang pao.. then i can drink lot of soft drink... bla bla bla.. these were the reasons i like CNY so much when i was a kid.. but. till today.. i still like CNY so much.. but the reason changed... i like this special festival cz of.. tis is a day where all family gather together, sitting down together for dinner.. i dun quite like the new clothes part cz now im paying it for myself.. ahaha... and of coz.. the main reason.. is bcz.. i can have a long leave..

bla bla bla... k la.. nth much to write....... TBC

长大

2008-12-31T23:37:00.000-08:00

时间流逝得真快

一转眼又一年

长大似乎已是事实

-------------------

童年时候的天真无邪

吵吵闹闹的日子

无忧无虑的时刻

撒娇坏蛋的童年

一一都成了过去

---------------------------

我们。。。

总期望着长大

期待着长大的自由

对长大有着无限的幻想

---------------------------

我们都长大了

彼此都忙碌着

长大似乎没有我们想象的有趣

我们似乎都忘了。。

童年时候的天真

童年时候的承诺

你我曾经的‘山盟海誓’

现在都被工作，金钱，明利。。埋没了

原来我们都‘长大’了

------------------------------

a slow, down day... 221208

2008-12-22T01:08:00.000-08:00

today im actually having quite a bad mood.. i juz TRY not to believe that bad things will keep happened one after another... but the truth is.. YEAH.. it happened tht way!! i was trying my best to control my emotions... until my lovely golden mouse DIED!!! aiksss.....

in this moment.. i actually feel sort of tired... in term of physical and emotional... whenever i feel upset.. i will thought of my mum.. i missed (missing) my mum tht always pamper me.. i dun mind actually if people called me as mummy gal.. cz i think i am.. and im proud to be a mummy gal...

working thingy is sucks.. it juz dun go the way i wanted it to be... OKAY!!! i will try again... bad people always there, we juzt cant do much.. how to get rid of it..? one day God will punish them... ahahaha... ( i dunno wats so funny, but thts the only way i feel better).. spoken to a colleague of mine... she was juz so amaze tht everytime i talked to her, i will eventually feel so much better.. she teach me something today.. something tht i might know but never use.. " its not up to me to comment.. i will juz follow the management decision..." it does mean.. when we r in a level tht is not high enough, watever ur boss say.. u will juz have to say "YES BOSS" or... " yeah.. i think its a good idea..." or..."sure, no problem, i can do it..."

relationship wise.. not going to well.. hmm... quite often of arguement.. perhaps when we are dating and when we are staying together. its totally different story.. u will juz see things clearer.. sometimes it seems not a bad thing if we r blur... (i guess u agree with me).. perhaps sometimes if we r not stick to each other everyday, it will be a good stuff too... hehhe.. well, i dun mean to be devil or something, its juz tht the space seems to be much more limited now.. and soemtimes.. i feel the chemical effect sort of getting lesser and lesser... (or .. i think too much ?? @_@ ) oh well, my man is still the best man (after my dad).. and well... i still love him.. its juz tht .. i guess something needs to work out soon...

christmas is around the corner.. me myself self declared tht i will have a longer holiday... i mean.. a longer...extra one day...only!!! this year i dun really feel the excitement.. cz.. i dun have any plan... this year.. no trip, no travel, no surprise... aiks... pethatic.. i somehow feel im quite pity... hehehe.. anyhow.. this is a day i like the most.. i mean.. its such a romantic day, its such a happening festive... exchanging gift, christmas treee, decorations...WOW!!!!! yes, im loving it~

k la.. stop here.. stephanie... cut the C.R.A.P.... ahahaha...

merry christmas~

cheers

041208- boring thursday

2008-12-04T01:49:00.000-08:00

present...

my present life is like.. sometimes its so wonderful.. sometimes im lost...

i do not know how to describe.. perhaps human are alwayy hardly satisfy with what they are having.. guess i m juz one of those.. i does not say tht im not happy with what i have... in fact im more than happy.. its jz.. sometimes.. too good to be true...

im having a 'kinda' stable job... managing a branch here as a branch head.. having challenging job, as im 'fighting' with so many 'bad guys' out there.. anyhow.. thts life.. challenging!! then i have a considerate bf.. (no doubt sometimes he is not), who is mature, caring, capable, a good fren of mine and also a good listener of mine too.. we always have lots of topics.. then i have a good family, parents tht sayang me a lot.. bro and sis that is great together...

well.. it seems i have nth to worry bout in my life.. good family, good job, and of coZ i have some great frens too...but when people ask me.. what is my goal.. i seems do not have an answer for it.. errr... looking for something better? (not trying to show off) but.. look.. wat else better that i can have..?

i have never facing anything tht i couldnt do... i mean.. practically... i swear... im really thinking very hard for it.. i swear.. one day.. i will have my goal... well.. frens out there.. wats ur goal..? share with me if u dun mind..

cheers~

Introduction

2008-10-20T01:31:00.000-07:00

the 1st blog again... after so long...
well... today whenever i go.. something juz pop into my mind...
we used to think in these way:-

1. how nice if i never do this/that...
2. how nice if time could turn back...
3. what if im doing this/that...

this kind of question used to pop into our mind...well.. i cant deny.. i used to be one of those who like to think in that way.. and of coz until today... im still thinking in that way.. i think i am getting worse.. coz i even feel like how nice if there is no one out there know who am i ... and that is why i would like to name my blog as no name... but... the name is unavalable...

in the past, i have done alot of so called 'silly' stuff... i did things that most youngsters will do.. (oh well, im still young of coz)... like wat..?? err... as in.. we go clubbing, we try things that we 'think' we should do when we r young... we go flirt around, we do things that parents worry bout... we go and know some bad frens... we 'copy cat' when exam time.. oh yeah..lots more.. but of coz not to the extend that i betray myself... hehehe....

oh well... sometimes... we thought that we are young, and we have lots more time to be wasted.. and that is why we did a lot of stupid thing when we are young... a lots of things that we have done last time... until now... i mean PRESENT.. we feel regret and we again... will think... how nice if last time i never did that... how nice if time could turn back, i will never did that again...or what if i am not doing that last time...things like that... im pretty sure most of us do think in this way... include me...if i would be given a chance.... i wish :-

1. i will never hurt my frens
2. i will still keep in good contact with babe
3. i will never neglect meen
4. i never hurt my lou gong zai
5. i can do better in my exam
6. i can do better in my final year
7. i will not go clubbing
8. i will not get drunk
lots more carry on....

but the funny thing is.. time will never turn back for us.. we can never b back to the same situation and says.. i will never do this again... or who know even if this happened, i bet 99.99% of us will still repeat the same mistake....

so the conclusion is... we will never be able to forget or erase or delete all ur past memory.. but of coz ... we have present and future for us to carry on...

i have no idea what do i want to put in yet... well... to be continue...